Seperating Ligaments and Needs

                My intention this weekend was to relax and catch up on my homework. To some extent I was able to fulfill this goal but my progress came to a near crawl when I received news that one of my best friends, gone with her family for the weekend, had fallen down a flight of stairs. As her roommate passed on all of the information that she had been made aware of I began a set of calculations that accompany any bit of news that I receive throughout the day, estimating the likelihood of disaster and planning for the worst by default…. thank God my friend had only separated her shoulder and was on her way back to the dorms with a three to six week recovery time and a full prescription of Vicodin.

                That night I helper her to change clothes, put on her sling, ice her shoulder, eat food, do laundry, and various other tasks which had suddenly leapt from menial to skillful as she had lost mobility in one of her arms. The next morning I repeated this process only to find that my caretaking skills had fallen short as I pulled her hair back into a ponytail where it would be safe from the sickness that was sure to ensue. As I blocked out the sounds of her heaving I couldn’t help but to wonder what had gone wrong and was horrified at the realization that followed; I can’t take care of anybody else until I figure out how to take care of myself.

                This past week has been a struggle for me-- perhaps the toughest period of time I have dealt with in my college experience thus far. With a heavy class load came necessary hours of studying which were soon replaced by hours of tedious dramaturgical research. Before I realized what was happening I had fallen behind in all of my classes, lost touch with my closest friends, and worked myself into a chest cold. What on earth made me think I had the right to take care of the people around me when I clearly don’t even have my own needs accounted for?

                It could be that this inherent compassion for those around me stems from my desire to be invested in, or that my poor relationship with my biological father had caused me to compensate in a maternal sense. After much speculation I have come to a far more unsettling conclusion; that my need to care for the people around me allows me to justify my lack of personal care. That is, the more I wear myself out in attempt to keep the people around me happy and healthy, the less time and energy I have to handle my own needs.

                I don’t know what this says about my character or the people I surround myself with, and for now I have no intention of pursuing change. Instead I am grateful that I have been given the perspective to comprehend the motives behind my actions. Of course this comprehension comes with the obligation to change and grow but for now I am just going to content myself with acknowledging the truth.