Throughout my childhood I was expected to attend the Christian church and agree with it's teachings. Growing up it was a big deal. Even when I had doubts I could always count on the fear to keep me in check: I was afraid to be disapproved of, afraid to examine the unknown, afraid to be alone like I was before church.
In junior high I rebelled with the stereotypical 'Church is dumb, I love Bullet For My Valentine, Eye liner looks great on me' shit. One year at my local high school sent me crawling back to church until graduation- better to be part of the Christian clique than none at all.
The first year at college gave me space to breathe and think. As a biology major I was confronted with the harsh reality that faith simply has no standing room in the lab, and I was at an impasse: how is it possible to be both a person of science and person of faith??
Conclusions: 1) I don't know. The obnoxious truth is that I don't really know anything for sure. 2) Life will at no point pause and give me a chance to figure it out. 3) That is okay. Part of being human means abiding by the constraints under which I live. Mentally, physically, emotionally, it is okay not to have it all.
So yeah. I still enjoy Bullet For My Valentine. Usually once or twice a week I find myself mentally commenting on the stupidity of organized religion. The fear is always there. But ultimately I have learned that this 'God' that I serve- male/female, black/white/blue whatever- this force of life is so much greater than anything I know and it has never given up on me, even when I have given up on it.
You can ask me about it if you like. That is how I met my best friend- she is an agnostic. Through hours and hours of scientific jargon and personal interrogations I know for sure that God is a thing, and I love Him, and I think He might love me more. I don't know how or why, I just feel it.
As a woman of science I denied this claim for most of my life because I had not allowed myself the time and space to consider alternate explanations for my existence. After years of grueling trial and error I just keep ending up where I started: thanking God for my life and wondering why He gave it to me in the first place.
In the end all I am is clueless and ready to learn.
