Along With the Leaves

As if taking cues from the leaves, I can feel parts of me dying and falling away. It sounds bleak but like the autumn time it is a beautiful experience nonetheless. These many deaths seem to be making space for new growth. While in this moment I’m grieving the loss, I can see that this is the right time and place to come back to myself and rediscover my roots— so to speak. The cycles of destruction and creation —of the deconstruction and reconstruction— move slowly. It would be easy to cling to what used to be, but that would be a waste. I would rather hold space for myself and cling to the beauty of the process. Today I did something brave I took a risk and painted something original. It was scary and exhilarating, and I am so proud that I honored my process. That’s all I can do- honor my process. So I will.

Volume Levels

Today I thought of a way to articulate my pain threshold, and compare my “chronic” pain threshold with my “average” pain threshold. This is all incredibly subjective of course- more of an art than a science. For me “average” pain is much more manageable. I would consider a sprained ankle and a paper cut “average” pain. The terms “average” and “chronic” are a measure of quality as opposed to quantity. 

So a paper cut or sprained ankle are examples of “average” pain. That seems pretty straight forward, and it is (for me at least). The trickier concept is chronic pain, for which I have crafted an illustrative analogy:

Imagine that you are teaching a group of children. In terms of classroom management the volume of a classroom tends to follow a trend, and each phase requires a different teaching response.

Volume level 1: The children are mostly attentive, with only a few quiet whispers. You are able to teach uninterrupted. 

Volume level 2: A couple of children have outbursts that you cannot ignore. You need to stop teaching to address those outbursts, but you are able to continue teaching after that.

Volume level 3: That group of children continue to have outbursts that are disruptive enough to get other students excited as well. Now you have to drop everything and lay on your super serious teacher voice in an attempt to salvage the lesson. The children may or may not quiet down.

Volume level 4: The children do not quiet down. At this point there are two many children acting excitedly and you need to address the volume level of the room as a whole, which is rising at an alarming rate. You give up on the lesson and switch gears to damage control.

Volume level 5: The children are having a shouting match. You can’t hear yourself think, and they certainly can’t hear you call for order. At some point you admit defeat and resort to yelling “EVERYBODY QUIET DOWN” until the children get scared enough to shut up. It’s a lose/lose situation. 

For me, chronic pain is like classroom management. Throughout the day my chronic pain level fluctuates from volume levels 1-4, and on a good day I can stop it there. My functionality is largely based on the amount of energy that I am devoting to keeping the shouting match at bay. Some days I can see a volume level 5 coming on from the moment I wake up, other days it is harder to tell what will happen. It really does feel like a shouting match too-- one pain always trying to speak over another. The real trouble is that when they are all yelling it is impossible for me to address one at a time. The volume level of the room starts to rise, and from there it’s just damage control.

To be very very clear: I am not looking for pity. Or sadness, or even for help. I just want to offer some
 context to the people who know me (or others with chronic pain) so that when I say that I can’t make
 it to an event, or start to go quiet in the middle of an activity, it makes a little more sense. Because
 unless you know me incredibly well you would probably never guess that my volume level is at a four
 on average. In fact, I go out of my way not to divulge that information. Why? That’s for a different blog
 post. Suffice it to say: I struggle every day to maintain control of my body and I don’t need to exert
 energy moderating people’s reactions to that fact. It is what it is.

Moving to Monmouth

I have decided to start journaling again, and hopefully blogging as well.

Moving to Monmouth has changed everything for me. I am amazed that living in a small town has opened my eyes to consider just how big of a world I live in. It is peaceful here, and I feel like I am recovering the mental and emotional space that seemed to overflow with stressors in Portland. It’s not that Portland was a bad place for me to be-- on the contrary, I would say that that I exploded with growth and understanding for myself and the people around me while I was there-- but that took an unseen toll that I am only now discovering to its fullest extent.

I haven’t written in a long while and the topics that have been on my mind aren’t exactly lighthearted. For now I cover a few main points that I hope to expand on in the coming days and weeks. If I can help it I would like to write regularly moving forward. Hopefully posting this to the blog will help keep me accountable. I don’t understand how my unknown, unseen audience could possibly prove an effective motivator but if it works, it works, right?

Family and friends: Nobody warned me that growing up means watching your loved ones age, and most times from a distance. I know that I am not much farther away than I was before but the idea of their lives moving along without my physical influence is suffocating. The rest of the world must be walking around with this weighty concern as well but, but apparently they all have more endurance than me.

Career: A couple of key variables pertaining to this topic have come clear to me recently.

1)    This is likely the only time in my life that I will be financially able to work part time, and I think I would like to use this opportunity for school.

2)    For the first time in my life I feel absolutely certain about what I want to do- what I could do until the day I die. I want to go back to school and become a counselor. I don’t know what I want to specialize in, where I want to use those skills or really anything else. I just know that is what the rest of my life will look like someday. In a way I have probably always known. Now I just need to start moving that direction.

           

Job: This is connected with the previous topic but ultimately a separate matter for now. There is an end date to my current job and I need to start working on a plan for what will come after. Could be school, probably a different job entirely. I will be ordering a transcript from Warner tomorrow and plan to meet with an advisor at WOU to discuss my options this week.

Health: Moving to Monmouth has not been without its challenges. I have faced an unfortunate string of illnesses since arriving here. Thankfully I am now set up with the doctor in town (who is wonderful) and am moving forward with some testing. Aside from that my biggest dilemma is staying active and physically healthy now that I am working from home full time. My first line of defense will be starting a twice weekly swimming regimen at the college, though I won’t be able to go for my first visit until next weekend. In addition, I plan to start waking up for a short workout before work a few days a week.  We will see how that goes.

Driving: I am so happy to write this category! Since arriving in Monmouth, Davy has graciously offered his car and his time to help me relearn how to drive. It has been about seven years now since I was a regular driver and with a job change on the horizon realized that my ability to commute in a car will be a considerable variable in my job search. I am happy to report that with Davy’s calm and patient teaching I am able to drive us around town and to the grocery store! This may seem like small cause for celebration but I cannot express how encouraging it is for me to be progressing as quickly as I have been. My next driving goal is to take a short solo drive!

Now that we are settled in and unpacked, I have my own settling to do. With Davy starting classes I am eager to establish a routine that includes physical activity and introvert time, as well as quality time with him. I have also started reading for fun again, and it is just as wonderful as I remember. So far Monmouth has treated me very well, and I am looking forward to the duration of my time here.