Hindsight: 19/21

What follows are the conclusive thought processes of my freshman year at Warner. While it has been nearly a month since school ended, I am only just now able to fully appreciate and articulate what I have learned and experienced over the course of the school year. Below is the clearest interpretation I could muster of an internal dialogue that took place in response to the events that occurred at WP. I am posting it for no other reason than the closure that it will bring me.

What do I know?

I know that I feel. I am an emotional person. I feel right when I trust God.

How do you know that what you feel is right?

I don’t- that isn’t the point. It doesn’t matter if what I feel is wrong or right, it matters that I feel at all.

Do you doubt Me?

No. I doubt me. I don’t think that I am good enough or strong enough to call myself Christian, to affiliate with You at all.

So what?

I may not be good enough or strong enough, but I am worth trying.

I am worth this.

Searching for Neverland

“I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me”

-          Simple Plan

Cliché? Maybe.  Accurate? Yes. Call me a pansy but growing up is not nearly as glorious as it is made out be. While there are certain benefits to adulthood, so far I have found that the freedom of an adult is burdened by a sense of responsible monotony that I am not yet ready to accept as my fate.

I remember in the sixth grade thinking about the day that I would enter high school will all of the ‘Big Kids’. Fast-forward three years and as a Sophomore in high school I recall thinking about the Seniors who would be graduating that year, all grown up. Now a Junior in college I wonder about my husband and children, about a family. I know that it will come with time, as all the other transitions have. But I still wonder. I still feel young and inexperienced. Unappreciative and naïve.

At what point in life will I start to have a life? I had this silly idea that coming home for the summer would make things more simple…Three weeks and twelve applications later I am still sitting on my parent’s couch, jobless. Watching the people around me graduating and hearing about my friends from college working full-time I am beginning to feel like a hobo.

Slowly but surely I am learning how to be a grown-up and it is terrifying me. It seems like the way to survive in real life involves pulling a Nike and ‘just doing it’ but why? I mean really why bust my ass at a minimum wage pizza joint for my entire season of relative freedom? Yes money is necessary and yes working is what you are supposed to do but honestly the idea of setting up camp at a low end job for the sake of green paper does not appeal to me whatsoever.

While I realize that growing up involves self-discipline, I feel like there must be a way to do it without sacrificing the vitality of passion, youth and love. I guess I am really beginning to realize that becoming an adult is not something I am willing to do just yet. No matter what the world says, I will always love to color with crayons. Cartoons about cats and mice will always appeal to me, driving around in the dark for no reason will always calm me down, and the word ‘poop’ will always make me giggle.

So here it is: I am not ready to be a grown-up. Yes I am growing, but I am NOT a grown-up. I don’t care what my parents or my peers or the world has to say about it-- I will not relinquish my childhood without a full scale tantrum involving kicking, screaming, and eventually breath-holding. One day I will be a grown- up but that is not today, or tomorrow, or this week or this month. For now I am me. So suck on that.