Monkey In The Middle

When I was in elementary school I heard a story about a tribe of natives and the monkeys that they hunted. Apparently the natives developed a foolproof method for catching the monkeys which involved a hollowed coconut filled with berries. The natives would leave the coconut in the forest and return the next morning to find a monkey who had reached his hand into the coconut in search of a sweet treat and, refusing to release the berries, was caught with its fist stuck in the coconut. No trickery, no torture, just some berries and a stubborn monkey. I don’t know if this story contains even a hint of truth and frankly I don’t care because either way I caught myself pulling a ‘monkey’ last night and it was pretty bad.

 I think it’s safe to say that we have all succumbed to a socially justified pity party now and then, indulging in the tendency to complain about trivialities in a quest for attention. It can be healthy (I think?) but last night as I was recalling my day I began to realize that things were getting out of hand when I found myself questioning God. Why would He let all of this happen to me? Why should I try anymore when all I get in return is NOT what I want?

It wasn’t until I stopped myself from finishing the last question that I realized how true that monkey story must be. My life is full of joy and love, yet I am constantly getting hung up on the few things that don’t abide by my personal plan. Typical monkey. But then I remembered the verse that mentions how “His power is made perfect in my weakness” and it occurred to me that I am always closest with the Lord when I reach my breaking point. Following that logic I should be thankful for the trials in my life right?

This seems like such a simple line of logic because it is. Why does God let bad things happen to good people? Maybe because we humans are too proud to ask for help until we absolutely need it. The parts of our lives that do not adhere to our expectations often fall under the category of ‘mistake’ but I am learning that perhaps the very things that cause us the most grief can become our greatest spiritual achievements when we recognize them as opportunities to renew our relationships with Christ.

Well great! I worked through my pity-party and established a positive set of alternatives. Yayee me! But logic has this way of worming itself around in my mind and I had to follow through with the thought process…. If bad things happen so that we grow closer to God than what would happen if I had a happy life? If nothing bad ever happened to me would I still have faith?

Twenty-four hours later these questions are still rolling around in my head, obnoxious as a handful of marbles in a tin can. No amount of hope or doubt can drown out this nagging thought process and I am becoming more and more desensitized to the clamor by the minute. I guess part of being human is learning how to function with these questions rattling through your brain.

A wise man once told me that the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time so that is my plan. Not with an elephant, but with a monkey.

One Down, Two To Go.

I once read a series of books featuring a Germanic man who was captured and forced into the coliseum as a gladiator. In the book he commented “You never feel as alive as when you face death every day.” Ironically enough I have come to acknowledge this as the truth in my own life.

 It is almost amusing how sure we humans can be of life. Day by day we take each breath with the lingering expectation that another must follow, despite the relative improbability for the most of us. Since totaling my car for the second time I have been thrust into the reality of the dangers that living presents, as well as the vast appreciation for the many dangers which I have been delivered from thus far. It is difficult to forget this truth when you hear the screech of tires and the crumpling of metal every time you pass through an intersection.

While at first I held these fundamental truths of life and death as a burdens I am coming to find that perhaps what I initially considered a pressure may in actuality be the very push I needed to fully appreciate what I have. Even though my job and a good portion of my dignity went to the dump along with the carcass of my first car, I can now say with confidence that I know what I am.

I am human. A soul looking for God. Nothing more and nothing less. Who I am is a matter of perception and why I am has yet to be determined, so for now I am content to be exactly what I am. Me.

Glass Half Broken

The longer I spend time on this Earth the more clearly I see that my most vicious adversary apart from Satan is time. Dragging to a halt in moments of crisis or blasting through hours of entertainment without so much as a backwards glance, time has the power to strip a person’s vitality or coax a newborn into the world and has no preference either way.  Regardless of any precautions or preparation, the constant and inalterable force of time pushes on in ways that nobody really understands but we all seem to fear. For whatever reason it has taken me nineteen years to establish this principal as concrete in my mind and I STILL forget it on a regular basis.

Half of my life happened today and I am still in shell shock. The good news? I got a call last night that the manager at Ross wanted me in for an interview… this morning I went in and I was hired on the spot! This was so exciting that I drove out of Lakewood Town Center with my wallet on my roof and it is gone forever. Then on my way home I got in a wreck. I am alright and so were the couple in the other car but it was definitely my fault and my car is definitely totaled. Again.

So here I am. New job, totaled car, no money or license. My family is being great and helping out- they are telling me to look at the glass as half full. Honestly at this point I couldn’t care less if the glass is half full or half empty or whatever else because in my mind the glass in broken- and I want a refund.